Exodus

I just got back from a long haul trip to India, and the only thing more agonizing than having to constantly smile around people i barely knew, was answering their standard set of questions.
"What are you doing?" [yawn] "engineering"
"Which year?" "Final year"
"What are you going to do after this? MS?" wtf? they dont even even wait for answer, they ask "MS?" as if it was the most obvious thing to do, fucking retards.
People annoy me.I would not describe myself as being very "sociable", but then i do like some people and i manage to tolerate the rest.
Now there is a certain group of people i simply despise without forethought, they say don't judge a book by its cover. Fuck them. This group, in my opinion are nothing but useless bunch of low-lifes with an identity crisis. American Desis. They just annoy the fuck out of me. The last decade has been the decade of the exodus. People adore fads, in the 90's every iyer you knew would have been in engineering college, and this decade it is going to the US to do an MS degree, which is now assumed to be the natural step forward after an engineering degree. Now, an MS degree is not cheap, fucking expensive is more like it. Naturally the same old story follows, take a loan, by the time you graduate you are in the can by more than 50grand, and to pay off this loan you have to earn american money, earning american money requires you to get an american job, and by the time you are done with all this mess, you are old enough to get married. An american desi son-in-law is a very marketable product in india - he fetches bigger dowries (which eventually goes off in repaying loans) and he offers the girl a prospect to go live/work in the united states (which she couldn't do herself, because she wasn't smart enough) The guy gets married, the girl moves to america and several biological activities later, they have a kid. By this time the parents are used to the american way of life and they bring up their kid in a similar manner. Several years later they come back to india to visit their relatives. And as bad luck would have it, im put in a situation where i have to socialize with these dumbasses.
I'll recount an exact conversation i had with a woman, 36-40 years old, married, settled in the US and has a son in the 8th grade. (i will not reveal her name and her relation to me for obvious reasons), and what was going through my head at the same time.
Her: "So what do you do?" [oh god not again]
Me: "Engineering"
Her: "which stream?" [why do you care? are you going to give me a job?]
Me: "Computer Science"
Her: "So what are you planning to do after graduating? MS?" [Blood. Rage. Murder. Violence]
Me: "I'll see what i can do"
Her: "If you need any help on getting there to the US, let me know" [what are you? a travel agent?]
Me: "what have you studied, what do you do there?"
Her: " I did my BA here, and im working as a substitute teacher" [wtf!?! YOU are gonna advise me, an engineer, on how to get to the US, no thanks.]
Me: " Where is *your son*"
Her : "He's sleeping, the water here does not suit him, he has stomach problems, even i dont drink the water here" [really?? you used to import water from the US wen you were a kid dint you?]
Me: "aah ok, what does he do to pass time?"
Her: "nothing great, there used to be a boy upstairs he moved to the US for his MS this year, so now hes pretty bored and bugs me all the time" [blank]
Me: "There's a library nearby, he can read books, might as well get some education out of his free time."
Her: "He tried going there, the books are too dusty, gives him an allergy" [WTF??!?!? are you kidding me??]
Me: "ok"
---x---
I did not feel like talking further.
You would expect these people to behave like indians once they got back, because they lived and studied here for a better part of their lives, right? WRONG. What you will encounter is a bunch of ball-less pussies who behave as if they are so extremely fragile that just a touch would shatter them into a million pieces (if only that were true, i would go touch crazy), a bit like Samuel L. Jackson from shyamalan's Unbreakable, maybe even worse. Nothing remotely indian is good for them anymore. They wont drink the water here, gives them dysentry, they drink only mineral water; boiled and filtered twice over. The air is too polluted for them to breathe. The cars honk their horns too loud. They won't take the bus/train because its too crowded. They wont smoke gold flakes, only marlboros or davidoffs. They wont do any housework anymore, they need cleaning crews and housemaids to do it. They won't wear saris because it is such a bother to tie "that thing" around you. They are on a perpetual diet "I dont eat rice anymore, only oats and branflakes". And finally (not like this is the end of the list) they speak with most obviously-fake-sounding american accent. These people not only turn themselves into pussies but also copulate and spawn a new generation of similar beings, to replace their own pathetic existence. And the trend continues. I'm pretty sure the american desi community is solely responsible for the sudden dip in average indian masculinity. We are headed towards a future where everyone is a american-english speaking pansy with no masculine traits whatsoever.
Those are just the parents. The kids are worse.They want to go back to their american friends. They dont like indian food, too spicy. They wont drink the water here either. The list goes on. Whats worse is that their parents seem to encourage this behaviour, and worst of all the indian relatives seem to think their accent is something admirable and try to get into the act, people who cannot string two words to make a coherent sentence in english,(try to) speak in english.
What pisses me off even more is that, these people (even the kids) speak with an air of superiority. They assume themselves to be on a plane of moral/intellectual/physical(etc) superiority, and give themselves the right to dispense "valuable" advice. Everyone fits this stereotype! i am yet to see someone breaking it. Going to america is not bad, DON"T lose your identity in the bargain.
I know even i'm headed down the same road, going to america, MS and so on. BUT i'd much rather cough my lungs out, crap my intestines out and listen to cars honking until my eardrums bleed rather than turn into one of them. I have written a small play to illustrate my thoughts on the matter, it goes something like this :


SCENE 1 :

Sajeev in india, visiting his relatives who are on a visit from the US, lunch time.

Sajeev : "here you go, rice sambhar and potato curry"
American born desi kid : "i dont like rice, i want pasta, mommy!"
Sajeev : "YOU JUST SAID THE WRONG FUCKING WORDS KID! BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

[evil laughter]
[loud heavy metal music]

Sajeev beats the living hell out of the kid, in slow motion.
[yelling]Sajeev : "YOU WERE BORN AN INDIAN, YOU WILL LIVE AN INDIAN, AND YOU WILL DIE A FUCKING INDIAN!!"
[still yelling] Sajeev : "TRY GETTING PASTA NOW, YOU FUCKING STUPID BASTARD!!!"

Beating ends. Kid lies in a crumpled heap on the floor. Sajeev cleans his fangs, sharpens his horns, polishes his pitchfork and proceeds to force feed rice, sambhar and potato curry to the kid who just lost his american accent.

SCENE 2 :

Sajeev in America, finishes his MS, in a good job, speaks the indian-english accent like a pro, wears a lungi at home, smokes gold-flakes(without filter), honks the horn on his car just for kicks, drinks water specially imported from india and eats 2 raw green chillies before going to bed everyday because food in america is not spicy enough.

SCENE 3 :

Sajeev in India, stuffing his son's face in a carton full of dusty old books.

THE END